To have the master bedroom? To have my own Christmas tree and decorate my own house? Granted I had that last holiday season, but with how unhappy I was, nothing in that house really ever felt like mine. It never felt like home. So here I am 21 with an 18 month old, living with my dad. Awesome. Maybe this post is my poor me post. I know I should be talking about how thankful I am for everything that I have, but today I'm just not feelin' it. It's a rainy December day here in the Pacific Northwest and I have nothing to keep my mind distracted from my current situation. It's ok to have these days, right? Right. I'm just going to keep giving bogus reasons as to why it's ok to complain today. I'm usually such a positive person. Everyone has their days.
Anyway, I have no problems living with my dad. It's definitely not some horrible place to be. It's just the fact that I can't afford to live on my own. Actually I can't afford anything, no joke. I want to be able to give my daughter everything she needs plus a little something more. I don't want to be unrealistic and say that I want to give her the world because the possibility of me becoming a millionaire I'm sure is about a 0% chance. I want her to live comfortably and I don't want her to ever worry that we wont have enough money for something. And I want to do this for her on my own. I don't want to have to depend on anyone to lend me money.
Since I graduated back in 2010 I've had 4 jobs, 3 of which lasted only 3 weeks. And the last one ended just over two years ago now because I was reliant on my husband to be the breadwinner at the time. Now we're separated and I have no fall back plan. I suppose this is life trying to teach me a lesson. You really need to be independent in every way and confident with your independence before you can be with someone else and make it last. That may not work for everyone, but I truly believe that is what will work for me.
As I'm typing and thinking of what to say next all I can think about is how I should say that I did recently get hired at a daycare where I'll be starting at the beginning of the new year and I start college in the Spring, so I definitely do have some things to look forward to. I guess it's just hard right now because I still feel stuck in the same place that I've been for a few years. Maybe once things get going I wont feel like that anymore. Maybe if I'm really good with my money and save and save and save while I'm in school I can give her the little life that I feel she deserves. And this is not to say that her father isn't helping financially or is some dead beat because he helps with what he can and he is a good father, but times are tough for everyone right now. My goal is to be able to do this once I'm done with my schooling. It would be awesome to be able to do this before I'm done, but we will see how things go.
Sorry for all my rambling. Maybe writing things all out will make my poopy day get better since I'm writing all these things that I'm thinking or feeling. I can't really say if this is therapeutic for me just yet. I suppose I'll just have to keep this going for a little while. Who knows if anyone is even reading this. Oh well, I think I'll go now I have some SOA catching up to do! I think I'm feeling better just thinking about getting some Jax Teller in my day ;)
